I say, I say, I say. While I've not been strictly keeping to my schedule
for NaBloPoMo, I didn't really expect to. It has however continued to provide me with thoughts on what I could update with, and has inspired this post.
Right, so, friendship developments. Yes, I has friends. You may not believe that I have trouble with friendships, to look at me. I'm quite often outspoken, organising, and or noisy. But it's a very nice front to maintain for someone who's actually fairly cautious, shy and easily spooked. I dislike the uncontrollable unknown. There are controlled unknowns, which is where I have some idea of either the content or the scope of what I'm exploring, and there are uncontrolled unknowns, which is when I have no idea what I'm getting myself into. The former is about the limit of what I can manage.
So, I will go out with friends, and I will push for things
. I will push with people I know, into situations that don't directly involve me getting into conflict or contact with people I don't. What you won't normally see me doing (some times, just occasionally I pluck up the courage and do do this) is pushing myself into a situation where I have to get to know new people. Scares me.
This means that I tend to make friends through other friends. I get to know people because I already know someone in common on both sides. This is a safe exploration for me, because I am normally confident of the sort of people each of my friends will introduce me to. flannelcat
will introduce me to LARPers, James will introduce me to people in the acting world, through other friends I occasionally get to know new programmers and computer geeks. In this way, my world grows.
My dislike of pushing into situations with people I don't know in any way is one reason I dislike jobs involving telephones. Calling or being called by someone that I have little to no idea who they are comes into the same category as above. I'm slowly getting better at it over the years, but I still refuse to take a job where it's a serious part of the job spec. I'd much rather have to meet the person face to face than talk down a telephone.
Luckily for me, this odd fear isn't so pronounced over email. I can and have fielded emails from exactly the sorts of people I don't like over the phone. The nice thing about email is I can sit down and plan what I'm going to say, reword it, delete bits, and pause and think half way through. This is also true of forums and my blog, and a reason I like both formats. However, from email, I've normally been on the receiving end of it. I don't have to initiate the contact, someone has done that for me. On occasion, initiating the contact can be so very, very hard.
So, the point of this post. Received a reply back from a message I sent over OkCupid. Writing it was hard. One of the harder things I've had to do recently. Waiting for the reply was tough, but not overly so.
Getting the eventual reply: relief.
It's such a small step. The outgoing email was basically "hi". But it was still difficult for me, and I hope you now have a better understanding of why.
I also hope my dear readers have learnt something about me from this entry.